02.28.08
Posted in Curacao at 10:03 am by Soosh
I had some week.. again 
I got ‘dismissed’ at work. I was not what they were looking for in the team. However, in my opinion, what they are looking for in the team doesn’t exist. Some want their new colleague to be a serious, quiet personality, others want their new colleague to be a ‘bubbly’ personality, if that makes any sense. And well, I’m just me and I actually happen to like me.
I was told I wasn’t myself, which might be partly true, because there is some shit going on in my life. However, when I -was- myself, I was told that I should be more serious and not as ‘loud’ if I remember correctly. This to me, is kind of funny, because everybody who has ever met me, knows I’m a lot of things, and loud is definitely (part of) me. If I’m told I can not be loud (or can not be me), all I can do is just be quiet, there is no in between with me.
A VERY long story short, it was an extremely confusing time. I’m happy I don’t have to go there anymore. The people there are nice i guess, but very weird. There is however one co-worker I’m sorry I can’t work with anymore. He has a real cool attitude, a very fuck-the-world-and-prepare-to-get-fucked-if-you-fuck-me kind of person. Besides, he was the only person who was completely honest as far as I could tell and that is admirable. Especially in an environment where everybody is walking on eggshells all day and trying not to ‘hurt peoples feelings’ and if that happens anyway, talk about it endlessly. I mean.. no offense, but at the end of the day, it’s just a job.
Ah well, on to the next job! I sure hope that at my next job, people are not offended immediately when I say something wrong, do something stupid or by just being myself. One thing came to mind while writing this.. my teamleader told me I was asking questions about things ‘i didn’t have to know yet’. Dude.. seriously.. I’m fucking curious about what I’m doing and why and you’re telling me that’s a bad thing? I have never heard something that ridiculous, a normal employer loves his employees to be curious.
In the real world, that’s a good thing!
So, I hope that if someone at this company reads this, I have not offended anyone (they do have my address you know?). However, if I did, i guess that kind of proves my point. I do wish all those people the very best and I have no grudges.
For the one person I spoke about specifically; don’t you ever change!
Love,
Soosh
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02.16.08
Posted in Curacao at 8:38 pm by Soosh
After spending 2 years in the Caribbean, I’m finally home. I also feel at home again, which took some time after being gone for so long. I now remember how to get where in my own town and what the quickest way is to get there. I’m not constantly freezing anymore and after finding a job, my life is almost back to normal. All I want is my boyfriend back and than everything will be great.
Of course there is always shit going on, my life (unfortunately) didn’t get all perfect all of a sudden. But it has been a long time since it felt right and now finally it’s feeling right again. I found out that I actually -can- survive on my own and I also learned that I really don’t want to. So now I’m just living my life and enjoying the small, sometimes even tiny things. That little bit of sunshine that warms you, that kind smile of a person who loves you and the realization that you are in the greatest place in the world: Home.
Love,
Soosh
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12.04.07
Posted in Curacao at 8:27 am by Soosh
I’m back in Holland! Home sweet home. I will not be leaving anytime soon. My flight was uneventful and I was sleeping most of the time, so before I knew it, I was in Holland. Now I’m gonna chill and sleep for a couple of days!
Love,
Soosh
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12.03.07
Posted in Curacao at 3:28 pm by Soosh
Today will be a good day.
Today will be a long day.
Tomorrow will be a cold day.
Love,
Soosh
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11.18.07
Posted in Curacao at 9:20 pm by Soosh
I was bruised and battered and I couldn’t tell what I felt
I was unrecognizable to myself
Saw my reflection in a window I didn’t know my own face
Oh brother are you gonna leave me wasting away
On the streets of Philadelphia
That’s about how I feel; bruised and battered. I don’t have it in me anymore to fight. I’ve been fighting for about 2 years. I’m done. I want life to be easy for a while, just business as usual. Unfortunately, I won’t get what I want just yet. I want a real job, doing something that at least isn’t extremely boring or lame. I want to crawl up in a little ball of misery and hide in a little dark corner somewhere, until everything is over. I want to be surrounded by my friends and family who hug me and tell me everything is going to be fine. That I am going to be fine.
On the other hand, I shouldn’t be bitching. Everything that has happened to me, was my own choice. I could have packed my stuff and left anytime. I wish I had. In that case, one way or the other, all of this would’ve been over long ago. But I’m here and I don’t want to leave Bram either. I just want my stupid container, with my stupid crap, get on a stupid plane and get back to my real life.
I just need my life back.
Love,
Soosh
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11.10.07
Posted in Curacao at 7:58 pm by Soosh
The definition of honesty is:
1. the quality or fact of being honest; uprightness and fairness.
2. truthfulness, sincerity, or frankness.
At the moment I’m not a very honest person. Everybody keeps asking me how I am, how I feel or how I’m doing. Well, to tell you the truth, I’m doing crappy at best at the moment. But when someone asks me how I am doing, I smile and say: I’m fine, how are you? Of course there are the people who don’t really care how I’m doing, but are just asking it as a courtesy. In that case, I don’t give a shit about honesty. I think that courtesy-question is not a real question, it’s more like an expression.
Some people who ask me how I am, actually are interested in how I am doing. To those people I lie as well. I don’t want them to worry and I don’t want them to feel crappy just because I feel crappy.
So, who do I tell the truth? Who do I tell I feel like crap and I really, really want to go home? Who do I tell that the last year and 9 months of my life have been hell and I need it to be over? Who do I tell I can’t do this anymore, that I’ve run out of energy for this? Who deserves to be worried about me and feel crappy with me?
I guess nobody. I just smile and say: I’m fine, how are you?
Love,
Soosh
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10.27.07
Posted in Curacao at 11:36 pm by Soosh
I’m sitting on the balcony of the apartment we are staying in. It’s right by the sea and at the moment there is a big thunder storm going on. Not anywhere close, but since there is so much water and sky right in front of me, I can see it very clearly. It’s gorgeous. The sky is lightning up every couple of seconds and every once in a while I can see a lightning bolt striking down to the ocean. I love all kind of heavy weather, but thunder storms are my favorite. To me there is almost nothing prettier than the thunder rumbling and a lightened sky with lightning bolts coming down every so often. To bad I don’t have my camera, but even if I did, the darn thing is to slow to get a decent picture of lightning anyway. Note to self: buy new camera.
Love,
Soosh
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10.24.07
Posted in Curacao at 9:12 pm by Soosh
For everybody who knew I was traveling today; I arrived safely in Curacao, about 1 hour ahead of schedule. And now, I’m going to bed. It’s only a little after 21:00 here, but I’m tired as hell.
Love,
Soosh
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10.19.07
Posted in Curacao at 8:18 am by Soosh
In less than a week I’ll be on a plane yet again. Of course that plane is going back to Curacao. I’ve really enjoyed my holiday here, but I have to get back to work. What else can I say? I’ll miss this place. I’ll miss the people I have visited and who have visited me these couple of weeks. I’ll miss my cats and my family. I’ll miss a lot of things, but there is also a lot of things I don’t have to miss anymore. Most importantly of course Bram and than there is the constant sunshine in Curacao 
All things considered, I’m glad to be going back as well. After a long, and i mean really long, struggle it has become my home away from home. See you guys next time I’m here!
Love,
Soosh
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09.27.07
Posted in Curacao at 7:38 pm by Soosh
Everything is all wrong. I’m back in Holland, but somehow I feel like I’m not quite home yet. My house is all wrong, there is no boyfriend, no cats, no life. My car is all wrong, since I’m driving Bram’s beloved junk-yard material (no offense babe). My home here in Holland has lost the familiar vibe or soul or whatever you want to call it. It just feels all wrong. I know this will change as soon as things will finally return back to normal. But after being abroad for a year and half, what is normal again?
And yet, strangely enough, everything feels so familiar. It is still the same house I’m in, with the heating blasting away, since I’m always cold. It is still the same street, in the same city where you can find my house. It is still Holland, with it’s wonderful smells. It is still the place I missed so much and I’m so happy to be here again.
I think this is what happens when you relocate to an island that is nothing like the world you grew up in. You get used to your environment, both here in Holland and also in Curacao. So now, I have to get re-acquainted with this all wrong but yet immensely familiar place. I think it won’t take very long
Love,
Soosh
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