11.18.07

Pain

Posted in Curacao at 9:20 pm by Soosh

I was bruised and battered and I couldn’t tell what I felt
I was unrecognizable to myself
Saw my reflection in a window I didn’t know my own face
Oh brother are you gonna leave me wasting away
On the streets of Philadelphia

That’s about how I feel; bruised and battered. I don’t have it in me anymore to fight. I’ve been fighting for about 2 years. I’m done. I want life to be easy for a while, just business as usual. Unfortunately, I won’t get what I want just yet. I want a real job, doing something that at least isn’t extremely boring or lame. I want to crawl up in a little ball of misery and hide in a little dark corner somewhere, until everything is over. I want to be surrounded by my friends and family who hug me and tell me everything is going to be fine. That I am going to be fine.

On the other hand, I shouldn’t be bitching. Everything that has happened to me, was my own choice. I could have packed my stuff and left anytime. I wish I had. In that case, one way or the other, all of this would’ve been over long ago. But I’m here and I don’t want to leave Bram either. I just want my stupid container, with my stupid crap, get on a stupid plane and get back to my real life.

I just need my life back.

Love,
Soosh

11.10.07

Honesty

Posted in Curacao at 7:58 pm by Soosh

The definition of honesty is:

1. the quality or fact of being honest; uprightness and fairness.
2. truthfulness, sincerity, or frankness.

At the moment I’m not a very honest person. Everybody keeps asking me how I am, how I feel or how I’m doing. Well, to tell you the truth, I’m doing crappy at best at the moment. But when someone asks me how I am doing, I smile and say: I’m fine, how are you? Of course there are the people who don’t really care how I’m doing, but are just asking it as a courtesy. In that case, I don’t give a shit about honesty. I think that courtesy-question is not a real question, it’s more like an expression.
Some people who ask me how I am, actually are interested in how I am doing. To those people I lie as well. I don’t want them to worry and I don’t want them to feel crappy just because I feel crappy.
So, who do I tell the truth? Who do I tell I feel like crap and I really, really want to go home? Who do I tell that the last year and 9 months of my life have been hell and I need it to be over? Who do I tell I can’t do this anymore, that I’ve run out of energy for this? Who deserves to be worried about me and feel crappy with me?

I guess nobody. I just smile and say: I’m fine, how are you?

Love,
Soosh